Sun, 02 Aug 2009 15:03:31 GMT

I need to write this down because I live with a heavy feeling in my chest lately. I could pay to go see a shrink, but I can't afford it, so I figure my computer is the next best thing (or not, who knows). This will not flow and it will not be beautiful prose because I just need to shout this out.
I am in my mid-twenties. I am short, regular weight, brown hair, brown eyes. There isn't anything remarkable about me, there isn't anything innately bad about me either. This is important because I am going to write about my life.

Firstly, my parents are both country town people. My mother had my older sister at either 16 or 17, I am not sure of the exact age. My sister is only my half-sister, because I have a different father to her. My brother is my full brother. Of these children, I am the youngest. I am my father's youngest child and my mother's youngest child. My mother divorced my sister's father and married my father, but I can barely remember living together with Dad. I have always lived with my mother, and if she ever read this (which I doubt she will) it would make her livid. That is the kind of person she is.
Granted, I have a lot of good memories of my mother but the bad experiences I have had because of her and indirectly, because of how she brought up my brother and sister have caused me to grow into a person they are all ashamed of.

As I grew up, my sister moved out early. From what she tells me, 'she had it worse than me'. I do remember an incident when I was 9 or so where my mother gave my sister a black eye, but only vaguely. I can say that is pretty bad, and I also was physically abused. I cannot and will not compare my sister's experiences to my own.
It was apparent to me that I was treated very differently to my brother. From a young age I was constantly in trouble, yet I was barely a deliquent. My brother used to order alcohol in taxis when Mum wasn't home and he was only mildly punished for it, but I never did anything of the sort. I got relatively high marks until middle school. I never vandalised anything or developed any serious problems like drugs or alcoholism, though my mother often encouraged drinking alcohol (underage) by throwing massive parties for my brother's friends.
Despite this, my mother had issues with me. I was subject to mental, emotional and physical abuse. I still live with problems because of her treatment of me, and my family members, as mentioned before, are ashamed of me. She would tell me lies to hurt my feelings. Some such lies were that my friends' parents hated me and didn't want me over their house, that "I was just like my father - lazy", that I was so much trouble she didn't know what to do with me, why couldn't I be like other girls, that I'm so 'weird' and 'different'. She would abuse me for relying on my friends too much - "you care more about your friends than your family - where the fuck are your friends now?" From a very young age I would be called a massive list of names such as a lying little bastard, a little cunt, a fucking asshole, a fucking little bitch, a lazy little cunt - the list goes on and on and on. She would snap at me for no reason whatsoever - sometimes it was because of my 'tone', or the look I had on my face or something else. I would be screamed at, pushed around, dragged to my room by my hair, kicked, slapped and hit. Once, when we were in the car driving, I asked if I could connect the internet to the house (I would pay for it, because I had a job). My mother became so angry she pulled over on the side of the road, literally kicked me with heeled shoes on out of the car and told me to walk home (which I did - I had no choice).
I had overheard her once bragging to her friends while she was drinking (she spent a lot of time drunk) about how proud she was of where my brother and sister were going with their lives, and then she got to me and said "I don't know what to do about her" - as if I were some kind of problem child. It really upset me, and when I cried or got upset - I was putting on a turn - as if I have some kind of mental disease. When I was younger and I cried, my mother would threaten me by saying "if you don't shut up, I'll give you something to cry for" and then proceed to beat me.
Most of the time she was drunk. She was always drunk on red wine. She would always tell me it was because she worked so much and she wanted to relax. She told me my father hated me and never paid any maintenance money and never paid to see me because he didn't want to. My father recently asked to send me paperwork proving that he always paid for maintenance and my school fees. When I was 11, my father called my mother to arrange to visit me, and my mother told him to 'fuck off and leave me (as in my mother) the fuck alone'.
To this day, if I get upset my family refuse to regard my emotions and feelings as genuine. They simply see it as an attention seeking tool or some kind of reaction because of a mental illness I supposedly have.
I will say I have been to psychologists and psychiatrists. The only thing they have diagonosed me with was depression and extremely low self-esteem. I am now over the depression.
Recently, my mother and I had a very physical fight on Christmas day to the point where I was intimidated and forced to the floor where she slapped me, punched me and kicked me. I had physical wounds and bruises. I had to remain in a room all day lest I be ostracised by my family members, though I am sure they assumed I was having some kind of mental turn or bout of illness. It has not been easy to live with my family since that day.
I refused to say anything to my siblings about the incident, though my brother (who broke up the fight) appeared to have already blamed me for it on the day it happened. I didn't want to speak about it because I didn't want to bitch - I didn't want to appear to run back to my family members to try and 'get them on my side'. So it was never mentioned.
Recently my sister said something in a conversation like "Maybe Mum hasn't forgiven you because of what you did at Christmas" - I lost it. I came home and cried and cried, because this is what my mother does. She manipulates, she lies, and everyone believes her. My family actually now believe that I beat her up, when my friends can attest to the fact that she did injure me.
I don't know what to do about my family. I hate them as well as love them, but I can safely say I hold very little care in my heart for my mother anymore. I often ask myself if, on the day she dies, is she going to look back on the relationship she's had with me and be proud?
She won't, because she'll blame me. It will always be my fault for everything that has happened, and that is why I literally ache because of it.
I don't know if my self-esteem will ever recover from the abuse but I have realised a number of things now:
- I was a victim of child abuse.
- I will never let any abuse happen to a child.
- I will use my own mother as a template for how NOT to raise my children.
- I cannot trust my family to emotionally support me.
- My friends are all I have.
I don't think I can ever stop my family feeling ashamed of me, and I don't know what it is that makes them ashamed of me. I don't see why I should bend and break myself to fit their mould. I'm learning to distance myself and I've only been able to do it with the help of my closest friends, who I know I treat like shit a lot of the time.
I don't mean to use my upbringing as an excuse, but I do have some mental issues as a result. I find it hard to trust because I was betrayed by my mother - the one person who is supposed to protect me and love me unconditionally - from such a young age. I have paranoia and I get irritated easily, but I try. My feelings aren't false but they become magnified and I am sorry for that. I just need reassurance and patience because my family just can't give me that. I know I don't deserve these things but I hope that my friends can help me out so that I might live the second half of my life better than I've lived the first half.

In other news, I recently reconnected with my father as a result of my mother's disowning of me, and I love my Dad very much. He's very supportive and genuinely cares about me, so on the flipside, I do have a bit of family support =)

Short hiatus =)

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 04:09:29 GMT

Since I'm going to be gone for a while and don't want to worry any people XD here's a hiatus notice.

I drew that just now, sorry for the scabbyness but since Angie talks about how great Lex looks when he sleeps HERE IS A PICTURE OF HIM SLEEPING SO NOW YOU DONT HAVE TO IMAGINE IT YAY (maybe you will need to minus the xmas hat though).

Hope everyone gets everything they want for xmas! XD

Friends Only!

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 15:34:16 GMT

☆JOURNAL A LA BiX☆

Short hiatus =)

Friends Only!